Just Being Honest

Today, I have nothing to share. No message of hope, nothing encouraging. I hate days like today. Days that make me feel like God has up and left and I'm here digging through the Word all by myself, getting nothing in return for my efforts. At least that's how it feels.

I'm not sad.

I'm not mad.

I'm not going through a hard time.

Times are actually really good!

But today God feels so far away, and the murk of anxiety has seeped into the clear, calm waters of my mind.

Just being honest.

Maybe that IS the message for today. How fast we can be high on the mountaintop, communing with God in all His glory, then poof... He's gone, and we are left alone. I know that is not true. I know He is still here. But I don't feel Him anymore. All I feel is the emptiness, the heaviness, the anxiety beginning to show its ugly distorted face. I know God will 'come back' and that I have not been left alone. I know He never went away at all. But days like today, I am left wanting. Why?

It is here that I think of Jeremiah, sitting in prison:

"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:21-26 ESV

On days like today, all I can do is wait for Him.

You see, I struggle with my mental health. Since the birth of my daughter, I have battled anxiety off and on that has crept in over the years. I suffer from generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I hate saying that, but it's true. My anxiety has become 'a thorn in my flesh'. A dark cloud always looming. Coming and going without permission and without warning. Medication has helped tremendously, but some days the anxiety and fear still break through, always in rebellion against my peace.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul speaks of a thorn in his flesh. A continuous affliction that he pleads with God to rid him of. Turns out, the thorn had a function. The Lord allowed it to remain, whatever it actually was, for the good of His greater purpose. I can take comfort in knowing that this affliction of mine, although it feels like weakness and failure, is my strength. For where I am weak, He is strong.

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with the weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Much like Paul, I have pleaded and begged God to take this thorn away from me. Yet here I sit, two panic attacks deep already today, pleading with God to heal me of this problem. What good is it? What purpose does it serve? Why can't I just get it together, get over it, toughen up.

I was a tomboy growing up. I was the tough girl who played with all the boys. I was a fearless, adventurous, adrenaline junkie. Now, there are some days that I am afraid to even leave the house for fear of having another panic attack. Driving really seems to bring it on nowadays. I have become afraid of fear itself and what it does to me.

It is debilitating.

It is a thief.

It is a daily struggle.

But it has also been a blessing. My anguish has given me a greater understanding of mental illness and a deeper sense of humility and empathy for those suffering around me. I have been able to relate to and help others in ways I would have never been able to, had I not been through it myself. It has brought me closer to those around me, it has brought me closer to the Lord. My anxiety has taught me to lean on Jesus like never before.

I say all this to remind those of you who may suffer with mental health issues or just general day-to-day worries, that we can trust our God. His grace is sufficient for us, and even if He does not take the worry away, although sometimes He does, He is still good. He is still God. He is still worthy of our praise and our worship. He still has a plan for us, for the thorn. My advice is that in the dark times, we look to God for our comfort and nothing else, and that we:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Philippians 4:6 ESV

AND that we:

"cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

Stay humble, stay hungry, and keep choosing the good portion!